A few months ago, while out walking my dog around Ypsi, I saw what appeared to be a brand new mattress sitting by the side of the road. And, as most mattresses one sees on the side of the road in Ypsi look like they were just pulled from the scene of a double homicide at a diarrhea factory, I took notice. [That mattress in question can be seen in the image above.] I not only took notice, but I snapped a photo and posted it to Facebook in hopes that maybe someone I knew could find a use for it. Well, in doing so, I seem to have ignited the imagination of local musician Matt Jones, who has since made it his mission in life not only to taunt me with photos of discarded mattresses on social media, but to put forward the theory that I have a fetish for soiled Sealy Posturepedics. My hope was that, if I ignored him, he would stop. That doesn’t, however, seem to be the case. If anything, his obsession seems to be intensifying… The following video, to give you a sense of what I’ve been dealing with, was just recently posted to my Facebook page by Jones, resulting in messages from three people who wanted to know what my “deal” was with roadside mattresses.
As for why this is happening, I don’t know. If I had to guess, I’d say that Jones is angry that, during an episode of my radio show this past winter, I allowed local musician Gregory McIntosh to speculate at length about his fetishes. [According to Macintosh, Jones has something called Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response (ASMR), which, in his particular case, means that he becomes sexually aroused when he hears people either chewing or whispering.] His motivations don’t really matter, though. All that matters is that we work together as a community to put a quick end to this idea that I’m turned on by filthy, discarded mattresses. And, with that in mind, I’d like to suggest that all of you put signs in your front yards that say something to the effect of, “Mark Maynard does not want to sniff your mattress.” I think that should bring this all of this to a quick end, right?
